Overcoming shame: The courage to be imperfect
I got inspired to reflect on write about shame, because it was a recent topic in our invaluable online women’s group called ‘‘LUMI’’ (it’s open to anyone who seeks a safe space sisterhood for sensual and spiritual elevation, so for you too). Also, I have been wanting to create a personal and family vlog on youtube, just because I love to share and express myself. We literally have all the equipment for it, and my boyfriend Sam is a videographer & filmmaker. So there is really nothing practical missing, but I realized that I had some inner work to do around shame, before I could get started. I will share more about what my personal shame around this looks and feels like further in to this Blog post.
Brené Brown, a renowned researcher and author, has extensively studied shame and vulnerability. Her work has shed light on the impact of shame on our lives and provided valuable insights into overcoming it. She describes shame as a powerful and painful emotion that revolves around feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy, and a deep sense of personal failure. Here are some key characteristics and insights from Brené Brown's description of shame:
Internalized and Isolating: Shame is an intensely personal experience that tends to be internalized. It often stems from a belief that we are fundamentally flawed or unworthy. Shame can isolate us and create a sense of disconnection from others, as we fear being seen or judged for our perceived inadequacies.
Fear of Being Vulnerable: Shame thrives on the fear of vulnerability and the risk of being exposed. It often leads us to hide our true selves and present a carefully curated image to others in an attempt to protect ourselves from potential judgment or rejection.
Comparison and Judgment: Shame is fueled by comparison and self-judgment. We measure ourselves against societal standards, ideals, or the achievements of others, and when we perceive ourselves as falling short, shame takes hold. It involves a harsh inner critic that reinforces feelings of unworthiness.
Connection with Guilt: While shame and guilt are related, Brené Brown makes a distinction between the two. Guilt revolves around our actions or behaviors and is focused on feeling remorse for something we have done. Shame, on the other hand, is deeply tied to our sense of self and often encompasses feelings of unworthiness that go beyond specific actions.
Shame as a Silencer: Shame has the power to silence us and prevent us from expressing our true thoughts, emotions, or needs. It can hinder our ability to ask for help, seek connection, or share our experiences. Shame creates a barrier to vulnerability and authentic expression.
Overcoming Shame through Empathy and Vulnerability: Brené Brown emphasizes the importance of empathy and vulnerability in overcoming shame. By sharing our shame stories with empathetic individuals who offer understanding and support, we break free from the grip of shame. Vulnerability becomes a crucial element in building authentic connections and cultivating self-acceptance.
Earlier on in my life I struggled with social anxiety and I am also a recovering people pleaser. I used to take great pride in being a chameleon, able to mold myself in to whatever fits better in different environments and groups of people. The approval of others used to be my driving force behind my behavior & the needs of others were my priority. It was not until I felt like I don’t know who I am anymore when I am not trying to please others that I started healing - and this is closely tied to shame.
Social anxiety and people-pleasing behaviors can be closely tied to shame. Here's an exploration of how these aspects are interconnected:
Fear of Judgment and Rejection: Social anxiety often stems from a fear of being judged, criticized, or rejected by others. This fear can be rooted in shame, as individuals may believe that they are inherently flawed or unworthy, leading to a constant worry about negative evaluation by others.
External Validation and Approval: People-pleasing behavior is often driven by a strong desire for external validation and approval. Individuals may believe that if they meet others' expectations and avoid any form of disappointment, they will be accepted and validated. This need for approval can be influenced by a deep-seated fear of experiencing shame or rejection.
Avoidance of Shame Triggers: Social anxiety and people-pleasing can serve as coping mechanisms to avoid situations or behaviors that may trigger shame. People may go to great lengths to ensure they don't say or do anything that could potentially result in criticism or judgment, as they fear the shame that may arise from such situations.
Self-Worth Tied to Others' Opinions: Both social anxiety and people-pleasing are often rooted in a strong reliance on others' opinions for self-worth. Individuals may believe that their value and worthiness as a person depend on meeting others' expectations, and any perceived failure to do so can intensify feelings of shame.
Perfectionism and Fear of Mistakes: Individuals grappling with shame may strive for perfection and avoid making mistakes to prevent feelings of inadequacy. This perfectionistic tendency can contribute to social anxiety and people-pleasing behavior, as individuals fear that any misstep or imperfection will expose their flaws and trigger shame.
Challenging Shame through Self-Acceptance: Overcoming social anxiety and people-pleasing involves addressing the underlying shame. This can be achieved by cultivating self-acceptance, challenging negative self-judgment, and developing a stronger sense of self-worth that is not solely reliant on others' opinions.
Embracing Vulnerability and Authenticity: Brené Brown's research emphasizes the importance of vulnerability and authenticity in breaking free from shame. By embracing our imperfections, being authentic, and allowing ourselves to be seen, we can build connections based on genuine acceptance and reduce the reliance on people-pleasing behaviors.
So as I was ready to start the vlog I have been dreaming of, I realized that I would expose myself in a new way, differently than I had done over the years through instagram, my newsletter and my women’s groups. The way I got over my social anxiety was to work as a group fitness instructor (and a lot of internal healing work). I didn’t understand it at the time, that was not why I chose to do the job. BUT it was like a constant practice of exposing myself to new people, leading a workout/dance class & being vulnerable in a way where people could come to me after class and tell me they didn’t like what I am doing or how I am or anything else for that matter. I had a lot of negative self talk when I started. I was thinking people are judging me. That people hate my classes. That I look weird. That my workouts probably suck. All of it. But then with practice (and good feedback) I got over it, and I started to trust myself and drop the anxiety around exposing myself at work.
I recognize that the vlog I want to start would be a similar leap for me. It would bring expansion and growth. Vulnerability and Authenticity. There are many more ways I am working on having the courage to be imperfect, but vlogging about my daily life, motherhood, relationship and work is one of them.
What does the courage to be imperfect awaken in you? In which ways would you like to show more courage to be imperfect?
The Courage to Be Imperfect: Brené Brown encourages embracing imperfection and letting go of the need for perfection. She argues that striving for perfection is a fruitless endeavor that perpetuates shame. Instead, she advocates for embracing our flaws, being authentic, and acknowledging that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness.
Here are some journaling prompts to help you delve deeper into this topic:
Reflect on your own understanding of perfection: How would you define perfection? How has the pursuit of perfection influenced your life? Consider any expectations, beliefs, or standards you have held regarding perfection and their impact on your well-being.
Explore personal experiences of shame and self-judgment: Recall specific instances where you have felt shame or judged yourself harshly for not meeting certain standards. Reflect on how these experiences have influenced your relationship with imperfection and vulnerability.
Identify areas where you tend to seek external validation: In which aspects of your life do you find yourself seeking approval or validation from others? How does this desire for external validation impact your ability to embrace imperfections? Consider any patterns or recurring behaviors related to seeking validation.
Recognize the link between vulnerability and growth: Explore moments in your life when you allowed yourself to be vulnerable and embraced imperfections. How did these experiences contribute to your personal growth or deeper connections with others? Reflect on the lessons learned from embracing vulnerability.
Challenge the belief that imperfections are flaws: Consider the areas where you perceive your imperfections or vulnerabilities as flaws. Can you reframe these qualities as unique strengths or opportunities for growth? Explore alternative perspectives that allow you to view imperfections in a more compassionate and empowering light.
Practice self-compassion and kindness: How can you cultivate self-compassion in the face of imperfections? Explore self-compassionate responses to your own mistakes, failures, or perceived shortcomings. What kind and supportive words would you offer yourself when facing challenges?
Imagine a life free from the pressure of perfection: Envision a life where you embrace imperfections, let go of unrealistic expectations, and release the need for external validation. How does this vision resonate with you? What steps can you take to move closer to this ideal?
Reflect on role models or inspiring stories: Think about individuals who have embraced imperfection and demonstrated the courage to be authentic. It could be someone you know personally, a public figure, or a fictional character. What qualities or attitudes do they embody that you find inspiring? How can you integrate those qualities into your own journey?
Remember, journaling is a personal and reflective practice. Allow yourself to explore these prompts with honesty, curiosity, and self-compassion. Your journal is a safe space to express your thoughts and emotions, celebrate growth, and embrace the courage to be imperfect.